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Pilot-Transcript

Scene 1

Gabi: Hi! I'm Gabi Diamond. I'm here to interview for the private chef position. Hopefully you can see me right away, because I only have enough money to park for twelve minutes.

Yolanda: Then you need to hustle honey. Cause you can't use the front door. You need to use the service entrance.

Gabi: Where's that? [runs to another door] Please tell me that this is the service entrance.

Yolanda: It's right down the hall next to the trash chute. Ahah. As long as you're going that way. [gives her the trash]

Gabi: Is this it? Cause I'm down to eleven minutes.

Yolanda: You've found it. Come on follow me.

Gabi: Oh, wow this place is amazing, look at the Golden Gate Bridge. You're so close that you can make eye contact with people stuck in traffic. [talking to the drivers in traffic] You're almost home.

Elliot: Oh, hi. We're just finishing up here so shhh.

Gabi: Oh, ok. I'll just be over here, won't say another word.

Elliot: Now Mr. Voltaggio.

Gabi: Oh, oh my god. Chef Michael Voltaggio? I'm such a huge fan.

Chef Michael: Thanks.

Gabi: You know he won Top Chef right?

Elliot: Personally, I think he can win America's Next Top Model Chef.

Chef Michael: I would audition for that show.

Elliot: And bring home the trophy!

Gabi: Oh, what are you doing here?

Chef Michael: Just interviewing for the chef job.

Gabi: Wow, uh oh

Elliot: Thanks for coming Michael. You'll be hearing from us very soon. Possibly on your way to the car. [turns to Gabi] Well as you can see the position is filled, so buh bye.

Gabi: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, ok, so I didn't win any Top Chef and I don't have any awards, eh I don't even have a boyfriend, but you know what I do have? Lots and lots of debt. Which means I'll be available to cook for your boss 24/7. By the way I'm Gabi. 

Elliot: Yes, you are. [waves]

Gabi: And you are Elliot Park. Mr. Kaminski's publicist/right hand man, Slash how lucky is he to have you.

Elliot: Congratulations, you can Google.

Gabi: Is that a Sub-Zero? Oh, last time I saw this my stainless steel was getting a pap smear.

Josh: Hey everybody! I'm home. [jumps onto sofa]

Elliot: Josh, you look fantastic. Who travels 10 hours and looks this good? Haha you! How was your trip?

Josh: China was awesome. Only problem is, you open a business there, an hour later you might open another one. Haha.

Elliot: [laughs]

Josh: Elliot.

Elliot: Okay.

Josh: Wait until you see what I bought. It's a ring for Caroline. Check it out.

Gabi: Oh my God, it's gorgeous.

Josh: Isn't it. Elliot who's this? [points at Gabi]

Gabi: Uh, hopefully you're new chef. If I'm lucky.

Elliot: We're hiring a real chef, one with credentials and awards and tattoos.

Josh: Well where is he? Cause I'm starving.

Gabi: Uh, well, I can make you something.

Elliot: You're not the chef! She's not the chef!

Gabi: But I am here. And I know what exactly what you want to eat, because I'm a food mind reader. It's one of my superpowers, so is driving without insurance.

________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 2

Elliot: Grilled cheese?

Josh: This looks fantastic. [eats grilled cheese] Mmmm. It so owy gouy. You know what? Forget the other guy, you're hired.

Gabi: [high fives Yolanda]

Elliot: What? For making grilled cheese? It doesn't count if the name of the food is the recipe.

Josh: I'm going with my gut on this one and my gut is loving it.

Elliot: But you're gut hasn't met Michael Voltaggio. At least make have her a trial dinner.

Gabi: That's fine, I'm not afraid of a trial. Because I'm innocent and my food will be proven delish. So, what do you want me to make?

Josh: Well, I'm proposing to my girlfriend on Friday and everything has gotta be amazing. Like her. She is culture and gorgeous and way out of my league. Can you make a dinner that will make her say yes?

Gabi: I'm gonna do better than that, I'm gonna make her say yes, yes, yes!

Theme song

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Scene 3

Sofia: Ah, six bags of groceries. You've either got the job or did you finally clean up your car.

Gabi: No I got it, in it almost the kind of way, i just have to make a trial dinner. And if that goes well I get the job.

Sofia: And if that goes well I get promoted!

Gabi: Wait, what?

Sofia: If I bring Josh Kaminski and his rich friends and his clients to Garber Stuckenbaker and Riz, they'll change the name to Garber Stuckenbaker, Riz and Rodriguez.

Gabi: Well he's going to propose to his high society girlfriend during the meal, and my food has to make her wanna say yes. I mean Sofia what if I screw this up?

Sofia: Stop that, you've gotta be confident, okay like I am at work, when I deal with the partners, I don't second guess myself, I march right into a meeting, I look them straight into their eyes and I say here's your coffee. Nobody has to tell me how they wanted, noo, Gary wants cream, Shirley wants sugar and Bob wants to stare at my boobs. Confidence, boom!

Gabi: Yeah, yeah, in the kitchen I have it together! And Mr. Kaminski knows that, because look what he gave me.

Sofia: Eahh, a black amex? Ahh, you know what they say, once you go black you never go back!

________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 4

Gabi: [Singing] I've got this job in a bag doodah doodah.

Elliot: [Singing] You're gonna get replaced real soon all the doodah day!

Gabi: Elliot what is that?

Elliot: The back up meal for tonight, compliments from our future chef Michael Voltaggio.

Gabi: You do not need a back up... mmhh this smells really good...... No, you know what it doesn't matter, because....boom

Elliot: Bravo, you've set a table.

Gabi: And made a Cornish game hen, with gorgonzola, carmelized pears, truffle mashed potatoes and a big side dish of bite me.

[Josh enters]

Gabi, Elliot: Oh, my gosh you look so handsome!

Elliot: I mean really, really handsome. Like a God.

Josh: Oh, Elliot. This is my lucky suit. I have closed seven huge deals in this suit, hopefully tonight will be number eight. But just in case things aren't going my way I designed this rabbit foot app for my phone and you just kind of rub it.

Gabi: You don't need that app, when you have all these app-setizers. Ta-da!

Josh: This looks incredible!

Gabi: And I found the perfect song to set the mood. Ready? [music starts] All I want to get is a little bit closer, all I wanna know is Caroline! Can you come a little closer? Romance!

Josh: Tegan and Sarah?

Gabi: Yeah!

Josh: I karaoke on this song all the time.

Gabi: Me too.

Gabi, Josh: I want you close, I want you, I wont treat you like your typical!

Josh: Look at you. Everything looks amazing! I mean this night is going to knock Caroline's socks off... If she wore socks, she doesn't wear socks, she has awesome legs. She has awesome everything, do you want to know the most awesome thing about Caroline?

Gabi: What?

Josh: She loves me!

Gabi: And why wouldn't she?

Josh: I was always focused on work, till I met her, now I hardy think about developing rich media solutions and Flash and JavaScript anymore.

Gabi: Yeah, I hardly think about that either.

Josh: Oh, that's her, aint she pretty? Hey baby are you close, I can't really hear you breaking up hold on.

Gabi: [calls Sofia] Hey Sofia. So far is going really great, he likes the way it looks, the music I picked my singing.

Sofia: No matter what happens, you're a female warrior. And it's kill or be killed and you have to come out on top.

Gabi: Um are you watching The Hunger Games again?

Sofia: You don't watch Hunger Games you study it.

Gabi: Okay.

Josh: I don't think she gonna be getting here when we expected.

Gabi: Oh that's all right I can keep this warm for an hour.

Josh: You're gonna have to keep it warm a bit longer. Caroline wants to take a break. Um something about moving too fast and not being in control. It's kind of hard to remember her exact words when your life is crumbling in front of you.

Gabi: Oh Josh. I'm so sorry.

Josh: I'm sorry Gabi this dinner is a bust.

Gabi: Oh, I have no money for my rent doodah doodah.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 5

Elliot: I haven't seen him this upset since he lost his Star Wars poster in poker game.

Yolanda: I have poker hastings I had to go all in.

Elliot: On the bright side, your trial dinner is a disaster. Which means you're out, Voltaggio is in.

Gabi: But that's not fair.

Elliot: No one has is harder than a pretty blonde girl. Every time Josh sees you, he's going to be reminded of the worst night of his life... yay.

Gabi: Yolanda you've gotta help me here, I really need this job.

Yolanda: Ohh you've got it. Now listen honey, when my son was heartbroken I set him down and I told him... oh it's eight o'clock gotta bounce.

Gabi: Josh... Josh.

Josh: [crying] This hurts so bad. It actually physically hurts.

Gabi: Oh, I'm really sorry. But Josh come on. You're smart, you're charming, your successful, you've got killer hair.

Josh: I do have killer hair.

Gabi: Let's drink to that... oh, here's the engagement ring. Wow, looks even bigger wet.

Josh: I can't believe that it's over. I just feel so empty.

Gabi: That's because you're hungry. I'm gonna fix you a plate. And I know exactly what you like.

Josh: Nothing is gonna make me feel better.

Gabi: Not even mashed potatoes?

Josh: Mashed potatoes?

Gabi: With lots of cream and butter.

Josh: I like cream and butter. Oh my gosh this is so good. You're not gonna make me eat alone are ya?

Gabi: Well it's kind of unprofessional, but I hear the food here is really good.

________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 6

Josh: To mashed potatoes.

Gabi: And to my favourite kind of champagne... free.

Josh: You know what this meal really kicks ass. You really cheered me up.

Gabi: Well I knew it would. When my mom died I used to make special meals for my dad all the time. And it always cheered him up.

Josh: Ouu I bet you miss your mom. That must be nice. I see mine every single day.

Gabi: Emm, my mom was the best. She taught me to cook and we watched Julia Child together.

Josh: I love Julia Child!

Gabi: Really?

Josh: Yeah, I studied her in a business class. I mean think about it. She took her passion and turned it to industry. You know who else is full passion? Caroline.

Gabi: Shh, potatoes. Yeah Julia Child was mine inspiration. Whenever I'm in a predicament I ask, "what would Julia do?" That's why I dropped out of college.

Josh: Really? I dropped out of college when i sold my first company for three point six million dollars.

Gabi: Wow we're so alike. We both dropped out of college, we're both entrepreneurs except your a fortune five hundred and to me five hundred is a fortune. Haha... it's a play on words, I'm drunk.

Josh: Well you made an amazing dinner.

Gabi: Well it's not over yet. Wait till you see the dessert.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 7

Gabi: Oh Julia wound't have done this... Oh my God I had sex with my boss. Where's my other shoe? Damn it, I paid 19 dollars for those.

Donna Kaminski: yoohoo Caroline it's your future mother-in-law to be.

Josh: Gabi? Oh my god! Did we?

Gabi: We did.

Josh: Are you sure?

Gabi: So sure.

Donna Kaminski: Wake up my little love birds.

Josh:  Holy crap it's my mom.

Gabi: What?

Josh: You'd got to hide. Get it the closet.

Gabi:  I am not good with small spaces.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 8

Sofia: You were locked in there?

Gabi: Until Yolanda found me and let me out. I had to pee in one of his shoes.

Sofia: You what?

Gabi: I tried to find the cheapest one.

Sofia: Well it's the cheapest one now. Gabi you really screwed this up.

Gabi: I know. I wanted to make tarts not be one. I never should've slept with him.

Sofia: Oh you think?

Gabi: Well I mean it would never go anywhere.

Sofia: Wait, do you wanted to go somewhere?

Gabi: No, I hate good looking guys with tones of money. I mean he's way out of my league. I'm like an expired twinkie and the girl he loves is a fancy chocolate eclaire.

Sofia: You're more like a ho ho, acting like a ding dong. Snap out of it. Okay he's your boss, not some guy you have feelings for.

Gabi: Yeah you know you're right. I don't have feelings, no feelings, I have no feelings. Oh my God.

Sofia: You do have feelings.

Gabi: No, I left my chef knives there. They cost more than my car.

Sofia: Well you better go get them, we're gonna need them if we're gonna live on the streets.

________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 9

Yolanda: Gabiiii. You scare me so bad when I found you in the closet, my wig nearly fell off.

Gabi: Yeah, you know about that, I was just trying to make Josh feel better.

Yolanda: You never heard of sending a muffin basket? Well, in a way, I guess you did.

Gabi: Yeah I know I screwed up.

Elliot: Well, well, well. Look who's here, the personal chef who got a little too personal. What are you gonna make next, a baby?

Gabi: I just came to get my knives.

Elliot: They're on the counter next to your dignity.

Yolanda: Oh c'mon she's humiliated enough. Give the girl a break.

Elliot: Fine I admit it, I have been a little petty. I guess all I have to say is: I'm calling Michael Volttagio!

.........

Josh: Care Bear.

Caroline: Zu zu bee. I'm really really sorry about all of this.

Josh: Well, you have nothing to be sorry about.

Caroline: Yes, I do. My shrink says that I create drama. He says that I'm just so used to getting everything that I want, that I sometimes sabotage things to create a challenge. You understand right?

Josh: Nope. But that's what I love about you Caroline. You're mysterious and elusive and complicated and beautiful.

Caroline: Exactly. You totally get me. God I love you so much. I'm sorry I put you through such a hell.

Josh: It wasn't that bad.

Caroline: I slept with someone else.

Josh: Wow.

Caroline: I said I sabotage. Look it was the worst fourteen hours of my life. Do you hate me Zuzu?

Josh: No, not as much as I hate myself. I slept with someone too.

Caroline: Seriously?

Josh: Well not for nearly as long, but yeah. It was stupid and it meant nothing. Can you please forgive me?

Caroline: Well, It does kind of turn me on... God I have issues.

Josh: Does that mean we can move on? Cause I love you Caroline and I want to marry you.

Caroline: Oh Zu Zu. Oh.

Josh: Is that a yes?

Caroline: Yes, it's beautiful. I'm calling mother.

.......................

Josh: Gabi?

Gabi: Hey. I was just coming to get my knives. Congratulations. I overheard.

Josh: I feel horrible about all of this.

Gabi: Me too I really didn't mean to.

Josh: Neither did I. I'm so sorry Gabi.

Gabi: Yeah, well this was my dream job.

Josh: I'm not firing you. A lawyer said I couldn't.

Gabi: But I can't stay that would be a terrible situation.

Josh: Would it? I totally get it if you don't want to. If you do want to, the job is yours.

Gabi: I don't know what to do.

Josh: What would Julia do?

Yolanda: I tell you what she would do, she take this job. Julia is no fool right Gabi?

Gabi: Damn right she would. I'm in.

[they try to hug]

Yolanda: Whoa whoa whoa, slow your roll, that's what got us into this mess.

Josh: Great talk.

Gabi: Yabba-dabba.

______________________________________________________________________________

Scene 10

Gabi: Hey,oh.

Josh: Gabi?

Gabi: Hey, I made you breakfast in bed.

Caroline: No thanks I already gorged myself on Josh. Trrr.

Gabi: Okay, I'll just put this here and I will make myself scarce... my shoe!

Josh: Gesundheit.

Gabi: Thank you. Coming Yolanda.


End of the episode.

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