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Young & Hungry-Transcript

Scene 1

Josh: All right, sorry about the close quarters, Coop. We're gonna be working from the home office for a while.

Cooper: Yeah, it sucks. Panoramic view, fiber-optic wi-fi, working toilets. 

Gabi: Cheeseburgers on pretzel bread.

Cooper: That's it, I quit.

Josh: Cooper, wait until you try Gabi's waffle fries.

Gabi: With my special, secret-recipe ketchup.

Cooper: Ooh, what's the secret? (Whispers) 

Gabi: Bought it at the store. Here, why don't you why don't you try some? (puts ketchup on his shirt) Oh, no! Oh, I'm so sorry. Why don't you come to the laundry room with me and I'll help you get it out. 

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Scene 2

Cooper: Gabi, I don't even care about this shirt. I found it in a dumpster. 

Gabi: (kisses him)

Cooper: (chuckles) Oh, I see what you're doing. Quick, spill some on my pants.

Gabi: Ooh, I see what you're doing. (Giggles) You know what, I feel really bad about sneaking behind Josh's back, but it's also kind of hot.

Cooper: It's fascinating that your criminal tendencies bring on arousal.

Gabi: Wow, look at you with the sexy talk. Okay, let's get out of here before Josh gets suspicious.

Cooper: Oh, whoa, what about the stain? Should I take the shirt off?

Gabi:You do that and we'll never get out of here.

Theme song

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Scene 3

Elliot: I think I'm going to like this juice fast. All these colorful bottles it's like a rainbow of health.

Yolanda: Screw health, there better be a skinny Yolanda at the end of this rainbow.

Elliot: This one's called "Morning Madness." I wonder why.

Yolanda:  Oh, I see why. 

Elliot: (Laughing) Uh-oh.

Josh: Hey, Elliot, where you going? 

Elliot: Talk later!

...

Gabi: So I'll see you tonight at my place?

Cooper: Yea.

Josh: Why are you going to Gabi's?

Gabi: Ah!

Cooper: Josh!

Josh: Wait, you two aren't....?

Gabi:  Dating? That would be deceitful.

Cooper: I don't even find her attractive anymore.I mean, you know, no, thanks! Pass!

Gabi:  We get it.

Josh:  So why are you going to her place? 

Gabi: (Scoffs) Well, he's coming to see, um Sofia.

Josh: You're dating Sofia? Go, Coop!

Cooper:Yeah! Yeah, who knew.

Josh: And you're okay with this, Gabi?

Gabi: Of course. Without me, their entire relationship would not exist. I mean, I introduced them a couple of weeks ago and they just they hit it off like crazy.

Cooper: Yeah, this whole thing is crazy.

Josh: Why didn't you guys just tell me?

Gabi: It was new. So, so new.

Josh: Well, how about tomorrow night Caroline and I take you and Sofia to dinner? 

Gabi: Um Or I could cook for you guys here so I can keep an eye on things, like like the dinner.

Josh: Yeah, cool. Just something simple.

Gabi:Of course, Josh.Wouldn't want to cook up anything too complicated.

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Scnene 4

Radio DJ: Jose from Stockton, you're our ninth caller! You just won tickets to the sold-out Lorde concert.

Cooper: Are you sure Sofia's going to be okay with this?

Gabi: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Sofia: You suck, Jose from Stockton. I hate you!

Gabi: Okay, maybe worry a little bit. 

Sofia: I was talking to the radio. I have been trying to win Lorde tickets all day.

Gabi: Oh well, you know what's going to make you feel better? Me making you an amazing dinner tomorrow night.

Sofia: What'd you do? 

Gabi: (Sighs) Why is it every time I try and do something nice you think it's 'cause I did something bad?

Sofia:  Well...did you?

Gabi: I did.

Sofia: Is it gonna ruin my night, my week or my life?

Gabi: (Chuckles) You're so funny And pretty. No wonder Cooper wants to take you on a date with Josh and Caroline.

Sofia: What? 

Gabi: Look, Josh almost caught me and Cooper together, and I covered and I said he was going out with you.

Cooper: At first I thought it was a bad idea, but now that I hear it, it's horrendous.

Gabi: It's gonna be fun.

Cooper: Hm An uncomfortable way.

Sofia: Well, no, it's not gonna be uncomfortable at all.

Gabi: See, I told you she'd be fine with it. 'Cause I'm not going.

Gabi: No, you have to.

Sofia: What's the word I'm looking for? No.

Gabi: But I'm making your favorite hors d'oeuvres.

Sofia: No.

Gabi: And I have a plan that you're gonna break up with Cooper at dinner.

Sofia: Oh. No.

Gabi: Okay, I'm just gonna keep asking until you say yes, all right? (Spanish accent) I'm going to ask in a Spanish accent. (Baby voice) I'm going to ask like a little baby. (Robot voice) I'm going to ask like a robot.

Sofia: Okay, okay. I will do it, but I'm not gonna be happy about it.

Gabi: Oh, see? Cooper won't either. You guys have so much in common already.

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Scene 5

Yolanda: Oh my damn. (Sniffing) What the hell is that smell?

Gabi: Oh, it's stuffed mushrooms with garlic, eggplant, and parmesan.

Elliot: She was being rhetorical, bitch! Sorry, day two of our juice cleanse.

Yolanda: I just need one sniff. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Elliot: Oh, let me get in there.Oh, that's good stuff.

Yolanda: Yeah.

Elliot: Real good stuff.

Yolanda: Put that down! 

Elliot: Just one more sniff.I can stop anytime I want.

Yolanda: Oh, no, this is breaking bad. (they leave)

Caroline:  Oh, Juju, this is so much fun. How much longer?

Josh: They're right there.

Caroline: I know. How much longer?

Gabi: (Gabi chuckles) Aren't these two so cute together? The way they keep scooting towards each other (Nervous laugh) So, did Sofia tell you that she got promoted at work? 

Cooper: You did? Congratulations Again. I know that she got promoted because we're dating.

Josh: Good for you, Sofia.

Sofia: Yeah, it only took two years for my meteoric rise from intern to assistant. I now work for Garber of Garber, Stukenbaker, and Rizz.

Caroline:Winston Garber?

Sofia: Yeah.

Caroline: That's my godfather

Sofia: No way!

Caroline:Though, I call him "Dickie Donut.

Sofia: " You call Mr. Garber, "Dickie Donut"? Well, the only nickname I get to call him is "sir. " Why do you call him that? 

Caroline: Well, you know that limerick, "there once was a man from nantucket"? That's Dickie. But with a donut.

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Scene 6

Josh: (Laughing) (Boisterous laughing) I just can't get over how great you two are together.

Caroline: Well, who wouldn't want to be with this caramel-coated angel?

Sofia:(Laughs) Wow, that was A little bit racist but flattering at the same time. You are amazing.

Caroline: (Gasps) Thank you for getting me

Gabi:  So sorry to interrupt, but can I borrow my caramel-coated friend for a minute?

Sofia: Can I just say, when I grow up I want to be Caroline! 

Gabi: Yeah, yeah. She's tall. Um, listen, I just want to go over the break-up plan really quick.

Sofia: Okay, you're gonna text me, I'm gonna pretend it's from my ex-boyfriend, Cooper will get mad, we'll fight, break up, and then hopefully Caroline and I will stay friends.

Gabi: Okay.

Caroline: So Josh and I can't agree on what singer to hire for the wedding. He wants Harry Connick Jr. I want John Legend.

Sofia: (Laughs) Why don't you just get Lorde?

Caroline: Well, she's a guest and I'd hate to ask her to sing.

Sofia: (Giggling) You know Lorde?!

Cooper: Sofia loves Lorde. I know this 'cause we're dating.

Sofia: I have been trying to win Lorde tickets all week.

Caroline: Really? Well, I can get us tickets And backstage passes. We can go together.

Sofia:  Really? - (Cell phone chimes) 

Cooper: Oh. Uh, is that your ex-boyfriend texting you again?

Sofia: Nope. So tell me about Lorde.

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Scene 7

Sofia: Oh, angry baking I see.  Well, good night.

Gabi: Oh, so you're gonna be able to sleep after betraying your best friend?

Sofia: Okay, someone's a little mad.

Gabi: You were supposed to break up with Cooper at dinner, not make plans for another date.

Sofia: It's not a date, okay? We're just driving with another couple to see a concert and then go to dinner. Actually, that does sound like a date.

Gabi: You strayed very far from the plan.

Sofia: Yeah, a plan that you just assumed that I would go along with, like I do all your plans. You know what? You take me for granted.

Gabi: (Scoffs) I do not take you for granted. You agreed to the plan and then you went rogue.

Sofia: For Lorde!

Gabi: Well, you know what? No, I forbid you to go.

Sofia: Forbid me? Well, nobody forbids Sofia Maria Consuela Rafaella Rodriguez! Not only am I going to the concert, I am out of here.


Gabi: (Door slams) Fine! Now it's time for some angry eating. (Sadly) Oh, that's so good.

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Scene 8

Josh: Good morning, Gabi.

Gabi: Oh, hey, Josh.

Josh: You okay?

Gabi: Not really. Sofia didn't come home last night and I have no idea where she is.

Sofia: Good morning.

Caroline:  Good morning.

Josh: She's, uh, right there. I'll be in my office.

Gabi: Sofia? 

Sofia: Oh, hi, Gabi.

Gabi:You spent the night here?

Sofia: Sure did. Caroline invited me.

Caroline: Sofia sit down and have some breakfast. (to Gabi)  Um, could we get two coffees?

Gabi: (Chuckles) Here you go. (Whispers) What's going on? 

Caroline: Oh, no need to whisper. Sofia told me everything.

Gabi: "Everything" everything? 

Sofia: Yes, she called me last night and could tell that I was upset, so I told her why Cooper and I broke up.

Gabi: (Sighs) Thank God. I mean, I'm so sorry for you.

Caroline: It is sad, but I made her feel better. We're still going to see Lorde.

Sofia: Oh, Caroline, you're the best. A good, good friend.

Gabi: You've been friends for three hours! 

Caroline: Oh my God. That's the longest friendship I've ever had.

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Scene 9

Yolanda: Whoo, this cleanse is cleansing me out of my will to live. I'm so hungry, I'd slap your mamma for some caramel corn.

Elliot: Well, why don't you complain about it some more, you whiny hag! I'm sorry. I feel like in the final round of the Hunger Games. Why'd we go on this damn thing anyway? 

Yolanda: My ex-husband just got engaged To a 28-year-old Who's, you know, 28 years old. Which means I've got to get back into my fighting weight In case I got to fight her. So so why did you go on this diet?

Elliot: If I tell you, you'll laugh.

Yolanda: Just cough it up! Sorry, low blood sugar.

Elliot: Some guys I used to work with back in the '80s are visiting and I just want to look my best. 

Yolanda: Oh, why would I laugh at that?

Elliot: Because we were exotic dancers called "The Boy Toys of Illinois.

Yolanda: Oh, I gotta see this. - (Pop music playing) - (Women cheering) (Whip cracks) (Laughing) I got I got I'm laughing so hard, I'm burning all kinds of calories.

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Scene 10

Cooper: Gabi, I'm not really in the mood to make out.

Gabi: No, me either. Sofia and I got into the biggest fight. Everything is so messed up. Don't worry, I have a plan.

Cooper: Okay, I'm really good at pattern recognition, and every time you say you have a plan, something bad happens.

Gabi: No no, it'll fix this whole mess Sofia made.

Cooper: Gabi, this isn't Sofia's fault. If you hadn't told her to lie in the first place, none of this would have ever happened.

Gabi:  Well, excuse me for really, really liking you and doing everything I can so that we can be together.

Cooper: All of this lying and deception is really making my shingles flare up. And they've been dormant a very long time.

Gabi: Well, how else are we supposed to see each other without losing our jobs?

Cooper: Gabi, you're adorable and so much fun to be around, but I just don't know if I'm up for the non-stop adventure that comes with being your boyfriend. I hope we can be friends.

Gabi: Yeah, me too Or that you die in a fire I mean, me too.

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Scene 11

Gabi: For lunch today, I made a Chinese chicken salad with radicchio, fresh orange slices, and crispy wontons. Enjoy.

Josh: (Whimpering) Well, just leave one. Cooper left early. He's really bummed out about the breakup with Sofia.

Gabi: (Crying) Whoa.

Josh: You're taking this pretty hard.

Gabi: Uh, yeah, they were just a really great couple. I was really rooting for them.

Josh: Oh, me too.

Gabi: And they weren't really dating, I was the one who was dating Cooper.

Josh: Wait. What? What are you talking about? What about dinner with Sofia?

Gabi: It was fake. I made her go. In my defense, I had a whole plan.

Josh: So I wouldn't find out.

Gabi: Look, this only happened because of your stupid rule about not dating anybody that you work with. I had no choice.

Josh: You could have Not dated him. You know, Gabi, I gotta be honest, I'm less than thrilled with you right now.

Gabi: Listen, I know I probably deserve to be yelled at, but can you just can you just not be my boss right now and just be my friend? 'Cause I really need one.

Josh: Of course.

Gabi: (Sighs) I'm just really upset. I feel like I lost the best relationship I ever had.

Josh: Come on, has it even been a week?

Gabi: No, I'm not talking about Cooper. I'm talking about Sofia.

Josh: Oh. 

Gabi: She's been my best friend since seventh grade, and now I feel like Caroline's gonna take her away from me.

Josh: I wouldn't worry about Caroline. She tires of her friends pretty quickly. I don't even learn their names anymore.

Gabi: Well, she won't ditch Sofia. She's a keeper.

Josh: And so are you. Look, we're all going to Lorde tonight, so why don't you grab Cooper's extra ticket and you and Sofia can maybe work things out.

Gabi: This is a really special night for her, and if I go, it'll just ruin the whole thing.

Josh: Do you want me to say something? 

Gabi: No, please don't say anything. Promise me you won't say anything.

Josh: Okay.

Gabi: And one last thing - Are Cooper and I fired?

Josh: No.

Gabi: Then can I go home early? I've had a really hard day.

Josh: Go. 

Gabi: And can I take this extra salad? 'Cause I already tossed it with the dressing and....

Josh: Go!!!

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Sceen 12

Sofia: Wow. (Chuckles) Last time I was in a limo was for my prom. F. Y. I. , if somebody pukes in here security deposit? Gone.

Caroline: To new best friends.

Sofia: Oh.

Josh: And old ones.

Caroline: But more new. (Laughs) You're being kind of quiet. (Tersely) Get in the party mood.

Caroline: Sofia, can you take a photo of us?

Sofia: Sure.

Caroline: Okay.

Sofia: (Sighs) Um  (Phone chimes) Oh, Josh, you just got a text from Gabi. "Remember, don't tell Sofia that Cooper broke up with me. Hope she's having fun. " Cooper broke up with her?

Josh:  You didn't hear it from me, but yes.

Sofia: Oh my God. Okay, stop the limo.

Caroline: Wait, what's going on?

Sofia: Okay, uh I wasn't really dating Cooper. I was only pretending to for Gabi so that Cooper and Gabi wouldn't get in trouble with Josh.

Caroline: (Gasps) So you lied to me? This whole thing was just a sick charade so so you could see Lorde (Chuckles) I had no idea you could be so devious. I didn't think I could love you more! Oh! - (Laughing) Okay, I love you, too. I gotta go.

Josh: (Exhales) Limo sex?

Caroline: Is there any other kind?

Josh: Get over here

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Scene 13

Elliot: (Giggling) Okay, I peed three times. I'm ready for the moment of truth. But first my watch. (Sharp inhale) Yes, I lost 30 pounds.

Yolanda: What?! (Shrieks) I lost 35.

Elliot: Wait. In three days, is that even possible?

Yolanda: Okay, I have a confession. I wanted you to feel good about yourself in front of your exotic dancer friends. So I cheated the scale back 15 pounds. But that still means that you lost 15 and I lost 20.

Elliot: Uh, not really, because I also wanted you to feel good about yourself, so I cheated it back 15 pounds.

Yolanda: So I only lost 5 pounds?

Elliot: Better than me, I didn't lose anything. Except my self-confidence. (Doorbell rings) Oh, no. It's "The Boy Toys. " I'm gonna tell them that Elliot died in a pole dancing accident and that I'm Dwayne, his chubby twin brother.

Yolanda: No no no, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Now you open that door and you be proud of the body God gave you.

Guy: Elliot? Wow, you look great.

Elliot: Thank you! So do you. Not as good as me.

Guy:  And please tell me that fine lady standing next to you is joining us for drinks tonight.

Yolanda: Well, as long as it comes with a side of buffalo wings and a pizza I'm in. Hey-yy! 

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Scene 14

Sofia: Gabi?

Gabi: Sofia, what are you doing here?

Sofia: Well, I couldn't go to the concert after I heard about you and Cooper. Are you okay?

Gabi: You gave up seeing Lorde?

Sofia: That doesn't matter, what matters is...

Gabi: No no no, what matters is you, and that I hate my life without you. I am so sorry I took you for granted, and it'll never happen again.

Sofia: "I will never take you for grant.

Gabi: " Yeah, I ran out of frosting. Listen, I love you and I'm really sorry.

Sofia: Oh, no, I'm sorry.I got so excited about the concert I didn't stick to the plan.

Gabi: And I got so excited about my plan, I didn't stick to my girl. (Spanish accent) So I'm going to apologize in a Spanish accent, okay? (Baby voice) And I'm gonna apologize like a little baby. (Robot voice) And I'm going to apologize like a robot.

Sofia:  Okay, okay, I forgive you. So, uh Why don't you grab the cake, I got the wine, we turn on "The Notebook", and let's get you over Cooper.

Gabi: Eh, who needs Cooper when I have the best friend ever? Here you go.

Sofia: (Sighs) - (Muffled) Oh my God.

Gabi: (Muffled) Oh, I'm so good at my job.

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Scene 15 

Gabi: I can't believe you invited Caroline over here.

Sofia: I can't believe she said, "yes.

Gabi: She probably just wants the blood of young girls for her face cream or something.

Sofia: Will you relax? We're just having lunch. 

Gabi: Hmm, that's what Hannibal Lecter said.

Sofia: Hmm, that's what Hannibal Lecter said.

Caroline: Hi!

Sofia: Hi!

Caroline:No, No no no no no.(Scoffs) Oh no.

Gabi: I thought she'™d never leave.


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