Young & Thirty (...and getting married!)-Transcript

Scene 1

Sofia: Oh my God, what smells so good? (Gasps) Oh. You made me muffins.

Gabi:  Uh, no, those are for Josh's birthday, so feel free to look at as many as you want.

Sofia: Can I look at it on the way to my mouth?

Gabi: Nuh-uh-uh! Yours is here.

Sofia:  Aww. The little, runty sad one from the leftover batter. Aww. I'm gonna put it out of its misery.

Gabi:  God, I can't wait to see the look on Josh's face when I hand him my birthday present.

Sofia:  Okay, I'm gonna say this one more time: Your gift is super girlfriendy.

Gabi:  (Scoffs) Oh please. His favorite childhood blanket was partially destroyed in a fire. All I did was hunt down the exact color of yarn on the Internet, and take crochet classes and spend three weeks recreating it. I mean, that is the same thing that I would do for anybody.


Scene 2

Gabi: Hey, sorry I'm late. We ran out of hot water and I had to shower one body part at a time But I did make birthday banana chocolate chip muffins. 

Yolanda: Well, feed me one, I can't take a break until I tied at least 100 more ribbons. 

Elliot: Hey, Terence, I got your tablecloth samples.Just so you know, they look great In my trash can!

Gabi: Uh, what's going on? Is this all for Josh's birthday party?

Yolanda: No, Caroline's dream wedding venue became available, so they moved the wedding up to Saturday.

Gabi: What? No no no no no, Josh is supposed to be getting married six months from now, not now, not now, not now! I mean, uh I mean yeah, Josh is getting married! (Chuckles) Uh, so how's Josh doing with all this?

Josh:  Hey.Hey, guys.Hey, great people.Isn't today great? Today's a great day.Today's just full of greatness on this great day.

Yolanda: I think he'd say "great".

Gabi: Well, yeah, 'cause it's your 30th birthday.

Josh: You remembered my birthday and my favorite muffins? Aww.I wonder if I'd still love them if they were the only kind I could eat for the rest of my life.

Elliot: Josh, eyes on me.We've got a million things to do.We've gotta hire a 12-piece orchestra and a photographer, and God help us with the salmon situation.

Josh: We have a salmon situation?

Elliot: You don't want to eat farm-raised salmon on the most important night of your life. Ooh.- People, this wedding is in five days.(Emphatically) It is happening! (Josh passes out on Elliot) I'll never let go, Josh! Never!

Theme song


Scene 3

Yolanda: This birthday dinner is so delicious! (Laughs) Makes me almost forget it's.

Gabi:  Oh, well, it's time for the best part: Presents!

Josh: No no, we have to wait for Caroline.Her favorite part about birthdays is when she gets to see how much better her present is than everybody else's.

Gabi: Oh, I'm so excited for her to be my new boss.Well, while we wait, there is a Julia Roberts marathon on, and if we turn it on right now we can catch my favorite part of "Pretty Woman".

Elliot: I don't have time to waste.I have to meet with the flautist, the florist and find a flower girl.Frankly, I'm fried.

Josh: I don't wanna watch "Pretty Woman".It's so corny.

Gabi: By corny, do you mean the most romantic movie of all time? Especially when Richard Gere climbs up Julia Roberts' fire escape with roses.

Josh: See? No guy would ever do that.Why not just go through the front door?

Gabi: Because he wants to make a grand gesture to show how much he cares about her.

Josh: (Laughs) (Sighs) You're such a girl.


(Door opens)

Caroline:  Oh! What a day I've had. The bridal shop had a Summer sale. I hate sales. I mean, if you can't afford to pay full price, you don't deserve anything nice.  What are you guys doing?

Josh:Celebrating my birthday.

Caroline:Of course! (Chuckles) Which is why I rushed over here for my Juju's big day.

Josh: So should I save the best present for last or should I open yours now?

Caroline:  Uh, Juju

Josh:  You know what? Screw it. It's my birthday.I wanna open yours now.

Caroline:  Josh, I, uh I ....

Josh: (laughs) Oh, I get what you're doing. I get it. She's pretending like she didn't get me a present. But but she did, 'cause she wouldn't forget my birthday.

Caroline:  Seriously, Josh, I .....

Gabi:  Uh, Caroline, Caroline.(Chuckles) How long are you gonna torture the man?  She had me wrap her gift to you  (Josh chuckles) so I'll just it's on the counter.

Caroline: (Chuckles) That's right, Juju. And don't you dare ask for a hint before you open it. Here you go, Juju, with all my love.(Laughs)

Josh:  Oh, my God. (Disdainfully) Oh, my God.You knit me a replica of the blanket my Nana gave me? The one that I lost in the fire?

Caroline: Did I? Did I! (Laughs) With my own two hands.

Gabi: (Chuckles) Yeah, she saw a picture of you with it when you were a kid, and so she took crochet classes so she could learn how to make it.

Josh: W-wow.Caroline, this is amazing.I know.

Gabi: (Laughs) Well, it should be.It took her three weeks to make it.(Forced chuckle)

Josh:  This is it.

Caroline:  I I think so.We we didn't wrap anything else, did we?

Josh: This is what I needed.Look, I'm not gonna lie. I've been really stressed this week with the wedding, but the woman who would give me this, that's the woman that knows my heart and the woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with.


Scene 4

Caroline: Excuse me.

Gabi:  Oh, hi, Caroline.

Caroline: I just wanted to thank you for your magnanimous gesture with Josh's present.

Gabi: Oh! (Snickers) You are very welcome."Magnanimous" is a good thing, right?

Caroline: Absolutely.Now how much do I owe you?

Gabi: Oh! No, Caroline, you don't have to pay me.

Caroline: Oh, but you saved me.I mean, I would've hated to upset Josh with the wedding being so close.

Gabi: Oh, don't worry about it.I mean, the look on his face was payment enough.

Caroline: Yeah.Yeah, listen.I'd love it (Chuckles) If this could be our little secret.

Gabi: (Chuckles) If what could be our little secret?

Caroline:  The gift that I just

Gabi: yeah yeah, I'm kidding.

Caroline: Thank you, Gabi.

Gabi: You know my name.

Caroline: Oh, good.I almost went with "Libby".

(Leaves and Yolanda enters)

Yolanda: That blanket was from you?

Gabi: Yeah, isn't that funny? And the look on his face did you see how happy he was? And now he knows for sure that Caroline is the one.Yay me! (Laughs) (Voice breaks) Is there ice cream?


Scene 5

Priest: When can we expect the bride?

Josh:  Uh, she is running late, but she is on her way.

Sofia: Oh, my God.Look at this place!

Gabi: Oh, wow.It is all happening. Yup, Josh is getting married, and what a lovely venue.You know, it's very classy.It's is there an open bar?

Sofia: This is just a rehearsal.

Priest: Sorry to rush you, but I have to be at a circumcision, so chop chop.

Josh: I thought rabbis did that.

Priest: It's an interfaith ceremony I'm co-officiating, and I really want to be there for the tip-off.Is there anyone who can step in for the bride?

Elliot:  I can, I can, I can!

Priest:  Perfect! How about her?

Gabi: Me? Oh no.No no no no no no.(Chuckles) No, I'm sure Caroline will be here very soon, so thank you very much, but absolutely not.

(after a few moments)

Priest: "We are gathered here today," blah blah blah. Someone reads a poem. We've got some Bible stuff God said this, God said that. We do your vows. I love you, you love me people cry and the rings go on the fingers.

Gabi: Yes, and "I now pronounce you man and wife," and they kiss and everything's great, so I'm gonna go, okay?

Josh: Wait wait, Gabi, do you mind if I practice my vows since Caroline's not here? Is that all right?

Priest:  Could you make it quick, son? That penis isn't gonna cut itself.

Josh: I just wanna make sure it's perfect."Caroline From the moment I saw you, I was absolutely taken.You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and not just on the outside.Your inner beauty is what truly shines.And you gave me the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me.

Gabi: Yes yes, her love.We get it.

Josh: No no, I'm talking about the blanket.That blanket embodies your love, Caroline gentle, kind and absolutely unique to the two of us.I love it and I love you for knowing how much it meant to me".

Gabi: Uh, yes, and then and then Caroline would probably say something like..... The blanket is really no big deal.And how when she gave it to you, she had no idea that it would make this much of an impact and P.S., you probably have to hand-wash it, and that's a hassle.

Josh: I hope she'd say something just a little more romantic.Hey, you know what? I'd just be glad to know she'd do laundry.

Gabi: Of course she's gonna say something romantic, like how, even in this gorgeous setting, all she sees is you, and how you make her excited to get up every morning, and when you're apart, she's always thinking in you and how to make you happy.

Yolanda: Oh, my damn.

Caroline: Juju! I'm here! Sorry I'm late!

(Yolanda pulls Elliot aside and Gabi and Sofia are also talking on their own)

Elliot: What? You're hurting me.

Yolanda: (Whispering) Josh is excited to marry the girl who made him that blanket, only Caroline's not the girl who made it.Gabi is.

Elliot: So?

Yolanda: So we need to tell him who that gift really is from.

Elliot: Are you crazy?

Sofia: You can't tell Josh that gift was from you.

Gabi: But if I don't, then he'll be marrying Caroline under false pretenses, then that could lead to a very painful divorce and then it would all be my fault.

Sofia: Okay, you know what I think? I think that Josh moving up his wedding has made you just spin a little bit out of control, then standing at that altar just put you right over the top, and now

Elliot: You're out of your mind!

Yolanda:  Josh needs to know the truth.

Elliot:  Trust me, as someone who's been with a married man, the truth and marriage do not go together.

Gabi: But truth is the foundation of any good marriage.

Sofia: Gabi, you have told me over and over again that all you care about is Josh being happy.Right?

Elliot:  Well, look at him.He's happy.

Sofia:  He loves her.And if you tell him, you're gonna break his heart.Is that what you want?

Gabi:  No.

Yolanda:  No.

Josh: Who's psyched for this wedding?


Scene 6

Elliot: Josh, I need you to go with your first instinct. Silver plate or gold leaf?

Josh: Gold leaf.

Elliot: Good choice, because I ordered them already. Look, I'm Madonna.

Josh: That's funny.Everything is funny, Elliot.God, what was I so worried about before?

Elliot:  Lifelong commitment, your march towards middle age, having a stroke a bunch of stuff.

Josh: See, that would have made me nervous, but it all changed when Caroline gave me this.

Elliot: Enough with the blanket already! If Caroline didn't give it to you, you'd still love her for other things.I mean, look at the rack on her.Wait, the rack is the boobs, right?

Josh:  Elliot This is why I love you and why I'd be honored if you'd be my best man.

Elliot: (Slaps table) Oh my God.I've dreamed of this moment my whole life.Thank you, thank you, thank you.I'd love to!

Josh: Hey, you've been my friend, my support system and my confidant.There's no one I trust more than you.You're not just my best man.You're my best friend.

Elliot: Son of a bitch!

Josh:  Not what I was expecting to hear.

ELliot: You really love that blanket that much?

Josh: Yeah.Why?

Elliot:  Oh God.I'm just gonna pull it off like a band-aid.Gabi made you that blanket.Caroline forgot your birthday and Gabi let Caroline say the present was from her.

Josh: What?

Elliot: The blanket's from Gabi! The blanket's from Gabi!

Josh: I don't believe this.

Elliot: I'm really sorry.Do you want me to light that blanket on fire, too?

Josh: I think I just need a minute. Hey, I need to see you.


Scene 7

Caroline: Juju, what's going on? You know it's bad luck for the groom to have sex with the bride the night before the wedding.(Giggles)

Josh: Where did you learn how to crochet?

Caroline: Are we role-playing? Am I the seamstress?

Josh: Caroline, how did you make my blanket?

Caroline: All right, you caught me. I had a special blanket person make it for you.

Josh: I know it was Gabi's gift.

Caroline: Oh.Well, it's not a big deal.I mean, I was just so busy with the wedding.You're gonna have hundreds of birthdays that we can celebrate together.

Josh: What's my favorite color?

Caroline: What?

Josh: Do you know what college I went to? Or What my middle name is?

Caroline:  (Scoffs) Don't be silly.Of course I don't know those things.

Josh: Your favorite color is ecru, which is the same as off-white but it's more elegant.You went to Barnard over Bryn Mawr because a girl named Bryn at riding camp said your horse was fat, and your middle name is Penelope.

Caroline: That must be what my therapist meant today when he said our relationship was one-sided.

Josh: Wait, you saw your therapist today?

Caroline:  I I had a little freak-out before the rehearsal.I needed an emergency phone session And a valium.

Josh: So You've been having doubts, too?

Caroline: Yes But not about loving you.I mean, can't we just get married and figure this out later like normal people?

Josh:  I'm sorry, Caroline, I can't.I think we should call the wedding off.I think it would be best for both of us.Are you gonna be all right?

Caroline: I'll be fine.(Crying) I'll always have tons of money.

Josh: No, keep it. I bought it for you.

Caroline: No.You bought it for the girl you're gonna marry.


Scene 8

(Thunder rumbling)

Josh: What are you doing here?

Yolanda: It's 1:00 in the morning.I forgot to put the wash in the dryer.I can't sleep if I don't finish my job.

Josh: Since when?

Yolanda: Since I was worried about you. How'd it go with Caroline?

Josh: We broke it off.

Yolanda: I had a feeling.(Sighs) You know what you need right now?

Josh: A hug?

Yolanda:  Yup, a hug from Jack Daniels. .....Oh, oh, you got the expensive stuff.Let's switch.

Josh: (Sighs) I should have known.I should have known.Caroline's never done anything like that for me before.It had Gabi written all over it.She's amazing.

Yolanda: Yeah, she's something special, that girl.

Josh: I'm about to do something crazy.I'm thinking about going over to Gabi's, and I don't know what I'm gonna tell her, but I just I need to see her.And I is this stupid? Yolanda, you'd tell me if this is stupid, right?

Yolanda: Go big or go home.


Scene 9

Gabi: Hm, still raining out.That is really gonna put a damper on the reception bummer.

Sofia: Gabi It's time to let it go.Josh is marrying somebody else tomorrow, okay? You're frosting the cake for his wedding.

Gabi: I know, I know, and I've accepted that.I just I can't help but wonder if .....

Sofia: No.No more wondering.

Gabi: I believe in fate.What's meant to be will be and true love always wins.

Sofia: Gabi, real life is not like "Pretty Woman".You're not a hooker.The man you love isn't gonna come climbing up the fire escape, declaring his love.Men don't run through airports, and they don't knock on the door in the middle of the night, expressing their undying love for you.That stuff that just doesn't happen.

(Knocks on door)

Sofia: (Whispers) Okay, open it.

Gabi: Oh my God.Cooper, I thought you were in China.

Cooper: Yeah, well, I flew all the way back, because I had to see you.

Sofia: Wow.Well, I'll just be in my room Watching "Pretty Woman".

Gabi:  Uh, do you want to come in?

Cooper: That'd be nice.I'm sorry, I know it's late.I mean, for you.For me I'm still on Beijing time, which is like 15 hours ahead.Making it roughly which doesn't really matter 'cause you're still up.But you know me, I'm a numbers guy, which is why this is all so amazing for me.

Gabi: (Laughs) What what's so amazing to you?

Cooper: (Sighs) When I was in China, I found this and I had to bring it to you.

Gabi: You brought me a gift from China?

Cooper:  I couldn't wait to see your face when you opened it.

Gabi: Oh, Julia Child's first cookbook.

Cooper: I know you probably have it already, but this one's a first edition and it's signed.

Gabi: No way."You're the butter to my bread.Love, Julia".(Sighs) Thank you.

Cooper: That's the face.That's the face I pictured halfway around the world.

Gabi: Cooper, I don't know what to say.I mean, this is this is the most thoughtful gift that anybody's ever given me, like, ever.

Cooper: Gabi, the whole time I was in China I couldn't stop thinking about you.I literally got off the plane and started running.

Gabi: You ran through an airport for me?

Cooper: Yeah.I mean, I used the people movers, but I was definitely running.Gabi

(Gabi kisses Cooper)

(soft rock music playing) Lay a whisper On my pillow Leave the winter On the ground I wake up lonely In the bedroom And all around Touch me now I close my eyes And dream away It must have been love But it's over now It must have been good But I lost it somehow 

(Josh comes throught the door and he sees Gabi and Cooper. He gets sad and then he goes home. At home he's lonley looking throught the window with the blanker around him.)

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